Matilda

In the bathroom, a fart mingled with the steamy scent of bergamot bath salts Smells exactly like my grandmothers special peach shaped and scented bath soap When I was a child, in Minnesota

somehow you have to do this, you’re the only one who can do this. You have a family to support and protect

and very much at ease together

This is an honorable goal, surely Want to be happy, successful and fulfilled. A lot of this is mind - and meditation help with this. Feels good to make peace with myself and my family

dreamt of stable healing jobs and teeth Nico said I was wrong Soft headed easily led people pleasing ‘You let yourself down ‘ Well ok, what now? What do I do now to protect myself and my family? Tired of living in poverty, tired of living in fear

the reality may hit you like a ton of bricks I will have to find a way to make it work My daughter needs me

imnawake at midnight absolutely furious I’m just beginning to feel comfortable in my life and coming back to life and I Oh! It’s the next morning and someone rifled our car last night! That must be why I woke? I wonder why the dog didn’t bark?hes I always very good that way

I don’t want to leave Why couldn’t I just have got a job with the state I have to keep us safe o feel unsafe when I’m not grounddd Oh please god help me We love our house, It’s been a place of great healing for me and a lovely place for my family to grow I’m so sad that I failed to keep it Failed failed failed Vaguely suicidal and so very frightened

ive been swearing and cleaning and moving stuff all day, after braiding my daughters hair (twice thank you very much) and getting her Situated Meditating on the living room floor Here they come

may I be safe from all forms of internal or external danger or harm Please

untethered This is our place, our home why would we leave?

Change is scary There’s all sorts of rational psychological reasons for this Please let the result of this change be better and more comfortable Because I’m feeling so afraid and worried Doing my best to still the mind to stop projecting negatively And do the right thing Feeling like the little boy in the never ending story shouting ‘but I have to keep my feet on the ground’ time to grow up and look after my family

And i will continue to support my family Right livelihood Mindfulness practice Eventually I’ll start dating (mindfully) and meet someone lovely Who finds me lovely too

Based on my salary at my new job. It’s enough, it should work. Except for the fact that the bank now keeps sending emails asking me to confirm my contact information which I’ve done more than once. I ether email is titled ‘missing documents’ but they aren’t missing

the man who was training me ‘didn’t like me’ he said so more than once. He sent me home early on Friday because he ‘didn’t have the patience to explain’ the answer to a question I had asked. He poked me, he shouted and swore... before that, he touched me. A lot. I told him I didn’t like it and I needed him to back off. He kept touching me and apologized saying he was trying to stop. After that was when he started sending me home. When we went on a site visit together, in his car, to check—measure church, I was afraid. He put on the radio very loud. I asked him to turn it down, this made him angry but he did just a very little. I asked him again and finally reached over to turn it down because I couldn’t hear myself think and we needed to find the address. He kept lecturing me about how I needed to ‘assume a posture of humility’.. later on, and said ‘I don’t like you’. Later on he went off about ‘you never touch a mans radio’ ‘Assume a more humble posture, a posture of humility’...

de clutter and clean. You’ll feel better about yourself and it will help to organize your mind Also.. you can protect your space energetically in many ways I have cleared and then blessed my property many times with salt, in a clockwise direction saying ‘may this place be clear’. Sage and Palo santo work too Then go round again with tobacco if you have it, saying thank you to the active, male energy Then go round again, this time with cornmeal, saying thank you to the lunar, female energy Then put cornmeal on on the thresholds, saying ‘may all who enter here be blessed’ Petrified wood is good too, I put big stumps of it at the gates and outside the doors, it’s good to put some at your feet when working at the computer too. Grounding Selenite is clearing, and good to keep around, a selenite wand can be wonderful tool and doesn’t need to be cleared Turquoise is lovely for protection, plant it anywhere

if you don’t have one, get one. It will help you feel better about yourself and could be leverage to make a deal to keep your home. It’s hard to keep a job and do the single parent thing and also keep the fight There are all kinds of decent, kind, caring extraordinary people in the world, and the fact that some of them are in this situation too does not make them bad or wrong. There’s nothing wrong with you And you’re not alone, although you could be forgiven for feeling that way You could also be forgiven for feeling like you want to tear off your skin and erupt with volcanic rage. Throw Rocks into the river Chop some firewood Cover your mouth and scream as loudly as you can (underwater works too) Write it down instead? And hook up! The energetic body hook up routine in very helpful and takes only one minute.

this is my home!!!!! This is my family’s home!! Our shelter, our place, our place if belonging in the world, our refuge and sanctuary and everybody needs that!!! We are the living beings who have made this place ours We’ve marked our growings on the wall of the hallway, we’ve skateboarded  across the floors, we’ve bicycled in the driveway and sold lemonade from the front garden and dreamed of raising chickens and fish and greenhouses and treehouses  We’ve howled at the moon with the dog. And snuggled the kitty Babies nursed and sung to, Bicycles ridden in the driveway and to the park Kite flying and birthday parties And all the tending, folding, washing and tucking Birdsong and bedtime stories Joyful laughter as we jumped o the trampoline Forts and bridges built Roses bloomed And all the many sleepless nights poring over papers that seem very oddly written The more you see of the injustice the more it spurs you on as if you are a holy warrior, a freedom fighte...

feels hot in the chest and shoulders

Is not a solution Even when you might feel you can’t do this anymore Know that feeling will pass Miracles can happen, the universe is amazing and all sorts of wonderful gifts can materialize Make the most of opportunities Remember who you are Rest assured that if you kill yourself, the bank won’t care. Banks aren’t human and cannot feel, they do not possess common sense

stands for ‘qualified written request’ under the real estate protection and settlement act. Write and send a good one early on. The more questions the better. There are reasons for this. One of them being that if the bank doesn’t answer your completely, you can follow the procedure for getting a default judgment against them.

get a good VPN - another acronym that stands for ‘virtual private network’ and don’t tell anyone the password or even what service you use. Password protect your internet connection too Password protect everything. You can use a password keeping software to help you create and store passwords that are secure

 You may even feel the urge to hurt yourself- please don’t!  Reach out to someone you trust because a worry shared really is a worry halved. And you may make some extraordinary friends along the way  There are beautiful and amazing people doing wonderful things fighting back against injustice and you’re not alone You’re not alone You’re not alone

Critical question

When we tuck up close beside our families and loved ones and feel very very grateful for all our many blessings Anne Lamott says just write down the truth. This is what I’m doing, in the hope it helps me stay sane through this time There are miracles and wonderment too

barefoot on the earth is good when you can Also teal swan has some exercises And energy medicine techniques And breathing

one that has a good document feeder so that you can manage efficiently.

Hummingbirds dignify joy! One visited this morning, perching delicately very near and preening as a huge butterfly floated past

You may have many questions such as, What happened here? Research your MIN number, you’ll find it in your original documents. Who are the real parties in interest? Who are each of the purported signatories on the alleged assignments, affidavits, etc? Ware they in fact real people? Many of these ‘signatures’ are digital and thus highly suspect. They are the ‘witnesses’ Against you. Who do these ‘signatories ‘ really work for? Did they, in fact possess all of the rights and privileges they purported to assign at the time of assignment? Why are there 6 slightly different versions of the foreclosure saying ‘deed in lieu’ in your credit report? This seems highly suspect. Why did another bank entirely pay another attorney entirely to enquirer about settlement? Are any of these banks the lender? If not, you might have questions about that too. Remember that you have rights too Don’t let them make you feel bad about yourself

is essential. We have to maintain hope

Early on, a friend told me not to talk about it, and this is good advice. Nobody wants to feel bad about themselves, and many people don’t want to know. As an empath I find it quite painful when people I care about disapprove of me or are embarrassed of me We need self esteem self worth self love to live a life worth living and we need community too

Another thing this weapon does is this: it makes it so that you’ll have to go directly to the banks attorney if you want the payoff amount in order to sell- if you choose to do that

You’re not alone You’re not alone and it’s not your fault

Well the very next thing to do is write up what’s called a notice of lis pendens, (the bank will likely have filed one when they filed the lawsuit, you’ll find out. What it does: a notice of lis pendens is what’s sometimes called an encumbrance. It makes it so that nobody can sell your property out from under you. Don’t copy theirs, make your own and have it notarized and filed at the county clerks office. Then, take it to the court where the case of located and get it stamped and file it, along with a certificate of service to all other parties. You can provide a courtesy copy to the judge too, if you feel so moved. You can ask the clerks for help, they will help you, it’s their job. While you’re there, research your own property’s records. Get copies of everything if you can. Set up a system for keeping track of all the paper, there will be more and it can become overwhelming quite quickly. This can be quite challenging at first as facing the situation can be frightening, we fe...

when the going gets weird, the weird turn pro”... hunter s Thompson

if one felt inspired to do so, one could create a home-based business with interests in the UK, for example, which would then qualify for protection under the european data protection act GDPR - which makes clear that data subjects own their data... If one was concerned about surveillance... some attorneys advise their clients fighting foreclosure that their social media accounts would be monitored by the banks.

is about scrutiny, the ability to see right up close - Picture this little mouse in a barristers wig, seated at a desk scribbling furiously with a quill pen, little red cheeks all puffed up... He works for me now,

Deep in the dark wood, in the moonlight the elder vampire gave the younger  a very fine set of replacement fangs, to replace the ones she’d lost., And she felt so grateful! The younger had despaired, believing herself to be wrong she  had starved herself and exiled herself to the outskirts in fear of persecution. The elder recognized a fellow in her, however, and felt deep compassion for her sistren

Arlo Guthrie Ohhhhhhhh If that nasty ol bank comes calling, and knocking at your door And you receive a summons (do your best not to) And they send something called an interrogatory and it asks if you agree that you owe a debt (say no  if you can) And then get some books ‘fighting the foreclosure machine’ and Blacks Law Dictionary Some say Find a statute and jump up and down on it Some say There is no debt Why, even the lovely senator elizabeth warren exhorts is all the stay in our homes Some stay in their homes for years And let me tell you loves, it’s not freedom to be frightened all the time And the cost of one’s dignity is high indeed Self worth is good

this is a written statement regarding some of the circumstances that led to my hardship : I am the sole parent of my 10 year old daughter, who requires extraordinary care.  her biological father has not paid child support in many years, despite my repeated requests from the child support enforcement division to enforce the courts order. Although I am legally married, I have not seen my legal spouse in many years. We live, along with our dog and cat in our family home of 9 years. When I bought this house, for myself and my nursing baby daughter, I felt so proud. Shortly thereafter, the business I was working for closed and i was laid off at Christmas of the same year. I suffer from PTSD, panic disorder and major depression,  which are steadily improving. In addition, I sustained a concussion here On my property 2 years ago. I am receiving continued care including physical therapy for post- concussion syndrome. These have all improved steadily in recent years, and I find mys...

including offering to pay for it. It might be a mess but it’s my mess, and now my daughter is older she can pitch in more. The right renter could be a real boon as well. I have a good job, and a good life and I want to keep them. Provide for my family. And an offer of cash for keys

and focused And grounded Fear is the mind killer, know this and do not fear. Simply do what must be done Fear can be an acronym for “forgetting everything’s all right”

it is what it is I must radically accept my situation in order to cope, have a life I’ve got to have a life

I must remember this The next right thing is bound to be better

is another slippery slope Natural law Common law Spiritual jurisdiction vs legal or lawful vs commercial  Foreclosure seems to be treated as simply commercial which is ridiculous when you think about it but there it is

Working to care for myself, get back into the meditative space Grocery shopping, prepare for the week ahead? Tomorrow is a big day and I need to be prepared and resilient, as gracefully and easily as possible. Still much to do: write and send letter re:health to Bank for starters

is a word that feels good, And is also a dangerous word. I met someone who lives this way and he says he hates himself. There are others who do not but are spending their lives defending themselves, people with land patents that are ignored by the courts I’m not willing to hate myself anymore, for too long I thought there was something wrong with me that I was broken. But it’s not me, it’s the system that’s broken, corrupt. I’m not picking a fight I can’t win. Marc Stevens says that sovereignty is an oxymoron. More trouble is exactly what I don’t need.

can save a life! Even when we had only bones and vegetable peelings I managed to cook healthy bone broth with the help of superfoods such as mushrooms (reishi, maitake, shiitake, chaga, cordyceps, lions mane, turkey tail and agaricon to be precise) and turmeric, garlic and kelp

Is so essential for feeling safe And feeling safe is essential to self-actualizaton - maszlows hierarchy of needs

Of fighting what seems quite obviously a losing battle There are other, much more worthy enjoyable endeavors. I choose life! Who knows how much first chakra damage my precious daughter and I have sustained over the past however long it’s been? With me in panic attacks that have lasted for days, living in fight flight freeze - limbic  hijack, trusting nobody is no way to live, human beings are designed to work together, we’re social creatures and need each other.! Short tempered and way to short for comfort on resources Under surveillance, hacked I know not by whom SWAT team knocking at 4am scaring both of us silly ( was nothing to do with us) Food pantries Physical pain I actually cracked a tooth from the pressure on her birthday a few years back , it was an expensive repair not covered by insurance She lost weight (she’s fine now) I couldn’t sleep, woke up in full panic mode every day for who knows how long. That doesn’t happen anymore, thankfully! I’m able to work...

the deed of trust I signed invested me with something called seisin, which is defined in blacks law dictionary as; Pronounced (see-zin) N. (14c) 1. HIST. Completion of the investiture ceremony of feudal investiture, by which the tenant was admitted into freehold. 2. Possession of a freehold estate in land, ownership. According to one expert in foreclosure defense, I then agreed to have my property encumbered. Why would anyone do that? The nature of these contracts seems to be deliberately confusing. There is a real lack of true understanding by all parties.

it rained last night and everything is fresh and clean , the air is easy to breathe I love my back garden at this time, the roses have bloomed, the river is flowing the birds are singing, crickets too My dog loves this peaceful morning meditation also The cat too We all love this peace, sanctuary, refuge that is our place , our home - This evening my daughter returns from holiday Tomorrow i return to work and I have big choices to make, I experienced panic attacks and pain - considering last week a future of only living in my house, paying exorbitant interest to banks, with all the maintenance and responsibility on me. I have bigger more enjoyable dreams for my life. I’ve got this one and I want to make the most of it. I e got one child and I want to enjoy this time Feels much more peaceful to let go, and yet it also doesn’t make sense when considered from a point of view of investment opportunity- rents in this city can be astronomically high and I have a family to support...

The ‘mortgage assistance’ form says ‘borrower’ where one writes one’s name. I cried and cried when I wrote that, because I never borrowed from us bank, no I have a mortgage. Rather it’s something called a deed of trust. Neither the court of appeals not the Supreme Court wants to know. It also asked for more information and supporting documentation such as pay stubs, which I have. (Thank you thank you thank you for my job). And for a written statement from borrower about health issues. I hand-wrote ‘post concussion syndrome - improving.’ Perhaps I should be more specific and thorough.

Today I am grateful for a perfect soft boiled egg and organic toast points with Irish breakfast tea. I am grateful for my family especially my amazing daughter I am grateful for my dog and kitty who are very sweet companions in their ways I am grateful for a good nights sleep (induced by .5mg clonazepam) and for the luxurious opportunity to have a proper -lie- in, in quiet peace and comfort listening to the birds song in the trees. I  grateful for the gift of loving kindness for myself, and my assignment to practice metta for the next year I am grateful for all the wonderful resources available to me including feeling

I’ve been told that the foreclosure process is all about fear. This is my experience too I’m trying everything I can to protect myself and my family. As a working single mom this is not easy. We’ve suffered so much around this already I had stopped smoking tobacco and I felt so much better. I also feel better when I feel safe. Where is the safety that I need? This is not my beautiful life, is it? My challenge is to be kind and gentle with my own self.. whatever happens with the house, my daughter needs me. And I need me. All of me. One has got to know oneself pretty well Feeling so frightened Crying Panic attacks This is no way to live Neither is poverty Oh what to do? Surely I have more choices than what I see before me? I feel so alone and frightened Managed to cry out enough to fill out and send the application for assistance, and go back to work. Short day, came home early to find a letter from the banks attorney offering $2500 cash for jets if I sign an u...

Difficult day New job is getting better, week 6 nearly done and holiday tomorrow  So many thoughts racing all day,  DBT afterwards felt better, enjoying - breathe- mindfulness practice more - breathe- maybe writing a blog post right now when my daughter wants to be with me isn’t the most practical or easiest idea My life has changed so much in ways recently Breathe I’m so scared I feel like a little child tasked with sorting out a very adult mess - how best to move through the foreclosure process? Or how best to sell the house to avoid foreclosure? Or rent the studio and apply for a mortgage modification in one of the most expensive towns to live in which also happens to be my hometown where I have family that helps a very great deal with raising my daughter who is the light of my life and a very amazing young being. I couldn’t wait to get to her today and pick her up and hug her and ground at home and all I want to do in this moment is curl up in a ball and cry...

We all need reminding from time to time, today one of the dogs at work passed on. He was a sweet little guy, very devoted. It’s family, friends, relationships that are important and to be cherished and nurtured Life Life is what is sacred I’m having to love myself through this. It’s growing me up in amazing ways.

the crew is growing restless My daughter is stressed, I am stressed. We are also very blessed. A friend said to me recently that she’s more resilient than I am and this is true. It’s me that’s wanting to not have to face this. I feel so scared, sometimes like a frightened child. This is not the empowered feeling I need. And it’s a natural very human need - hearth and home. We’re in a high anxiety time, I have to make the best decision I can What’s best?